#realtalk | 15 Things You’d Never Expect When You’re Expecting

Well ladies and gents, it’s June 26. We’ve entered the final countdown until D-Day, aka my due date! As I write this, I’m a glass case of emotions (weeeeird). I’m terrified to birth a human, beyond ecstatic to meet our little baby boy, but mostly overjoyed to not be pregnant anymore. Yeah, yeah, pregnancy is beautiful, pregnancy is a miracle, but #realtalk, pregnancy has not agreed with me. I do not have that magical glow. I think I’ve experienced every symptom listed on thebump.com x10.

It not only obviously changes your physical appearance, but also changes your mood and your deposition. There are times where I don’t  feel comfortable in my own skin. Like I may or may have whined, I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE once twice a few times. I react to things in ways I never thought I would have reacted. It’s nearly impossible to control my sleeping (and eating and bladder) habits. There were times where I feel SO lazy and useless; not to mention the myriad of physical symptoms. For this unsuspecting mama, it’s been a ride that I could never have prepared for.

For those who are in trimester uno, or for my fellow whales ladies in the final stretch, here’s a bit of comic relief for your aches, pains, swollen feet, heartburn, etc., etc., etc., Giiiiirrrls I’m with ya. Hang in there!

15 Things You’d Never Expect When You’re Expecting

15. “Oh, I’ve only gained that much?!” Said no pregnant woman ever… Ok, I realize we’re starting off on the wrong foot because this is something you’re expecting, but no. You can’t really imagine what 30 pounds actually is. Go to the gym, pick up a weight, duct tape it to your abdomen and then you might have an idea. And then you will just want to say No. No thanks.

No Gif

14. Your social calendar will have a direct correlation with if you can wear yoga pants. Actually even if yoga pants are acceptable, the probability of attending is still slim. Very slim. Because you will turn into a lazy P.O.S. My own father actually said to me, “You sure are kinda lazy these days. All you do is watch TV.” Dad. Stop. Now.

Tired Dog Gif

13. You’ll want to know where the nearest bathroom is at all times. Kinda like those spies who know where all the exits are in a building. Except you’ll want to know because of morning/afternoon/evening/night sickness. I unfortunately am one of the chosen few who was sick the first 25 weeks and had to carry a barf bag with me everywhere I went. And lets just say they got their fair share of use…

12. Your relationship with your husband/signif other will be questioned every second of every day. One night as we were getting ready to go to one of Mr. A’s work functions, he actually said to me, “Whoa that shirt really makes you look pregnant…” I nearly arranged for a public flogging. You’ll think to yourself all the time: “Did he really just say that?”, “Are you really drinking my favorite beer right in front of me right now?”, “WTF ARE YOU THINKING WANTING TO PUT THAT ON THE REGISTRY?” Guys, all we’re really wanting from you right now is a snack.

wheres the pizza

11. Speaking of registries. You may be thinking: YAY! shopping spprreeeeee. This surprisingly does not bring the same joy. The amount of items your little nuggets “needs” to survive is outrageous. Soon-to-be new mommy, meet the bobby and the diaper genie, and literally a million different kinds of bottles! Ummm what? Who is in charge of making these decisions?!

Confused Gif

Continue reading for more!

10. Heartburn is a very, very real thing. Like your unborn fetus may have found a match in your uterus and set your throat, heart, and sternum on fire.

9. Between being exhausted, throwing up, feeling uncomfortable, and if like me, a little self conscious of a soccer ball belly, be prepared to say goodbye to any form of intimacy. Your unborn fetus unfortunately did not set fire to your sex drive. Instead the precious little thing may have temporarily extinguished it.

8. It doesn’t make any sense, but you’ll start to take everything anyone says very, very seriously. You might just wanna cry a lot. Don’t be afraid to ugly cry. Especially when you read about what your body goes through post pregnancy.

crying

7. No matter what shape you’re in pre-pregnancy, walking more than 10 feet, talking for more than a min. straight, or even eating your favorite snack too fast will make you feel like you’ve just ran a marathon.

6. Brushing your teeth = a blood bath similar to the aftermath of a boxing match. Don’t even get me started on flossing. My gums are swollen to the point where I notice my front two teeth shifting!

5. There needs to be a Public Service Announcement stating it’s OK for pregnant women to consume 250 mg of caffeine per day. Seriously Starbucks chick, I will clothesline you if you try to give me a decafe latte again.

Oh No You Didn't GIF

4. Something funky happens with your fingers. Not only do they swell to mini sausages making none of your pretty rings fit, they really f*cking hurt! Doctors call it carpal tunnel, but this can be more appropriately named: I can’t unscrew lids, write for long periods of time, or do anything with buttons without wincing.

3. You may be tempted to buy one of those back scratchers… for your belly. I won’t judge if you actually follow through.

Belly Scratch GIF

2. The lower half of your body will swell to the point where it looks like you rolled both your ankles 12 times in some weird sporting event and then got stung by 50,000 bees. These are my poor tootsies. Please note that pre pregnancy, I was a 125 lb. girl with a size 6.5. Now none of my shoes fit. Sometimes my flops don’t even work. Hellllloo cankles!

Swollen Ankles during Pregnancy

1. And with this to look forward to, it doesn’t look like it gets much better… Can I get a LIKE REALLY? (jk little baby boy, I’m very excited to meet you and I’m told you’re worth it.)

74940_babyweek_HP_2014_0623_CRZ3_1403215477

What has been your “favorite” pregnancy symptom?

*all gifs are courtesy of gify.com

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